Barbie, Circa 1956?
I came upon this old Christmas picture of myself recently and it touched me to my core. I have been thinking a lot lately about my inner child – that essence of me that is always there but often becomes buried or wounded or distorted.
I turned sixty last week and the months leading up to my birthday had been interesting, to say the least. My dreams and meditations have been filled with people from the past and my body has been experiencing all kinds of uncomfortable shifts. I am aware that I have been going through my Second Saturn Return, but I wanted a refresher on what that really meant. So I Googled “Second Saturn Return – Katie Carlone” (because that’s who informed me about it) and lo and behold, my own article “Welcoming My Second Saturn Return”came up! I completely forgot that I wrote about it last year on my birthday.
What a lightbulb moment. Here’s an excerpt of what Katie said:
“At the second Saturn return (usually between 58-60), you are asked “Do you want to be a wise elder – or just older?” You begin to realize that you only have a certain amount of time left to do what you came to do. You realize that you aren’t going to be around forever, that what you do now has consequences. Indeed, you ask, what is my legacy? What did I come here to do, and how am I doing with that? What have I left undone, where am I out of integrity with myself and others? Part of the task of the second Saturn return is to use your innate and unique Saturn gifts wisely, the ones that come with your Saturn sign. So use your gifts wisely and well and don’t let society or anyone in your life subjugate them!” – Katie Carlone
Everything that I wrote about last year and that Katie talked about in the Soul Contract Reading she gave me has come true. These past few extremely uncomfortable months have been a test of sorts. I felt a strong urge to isolate myself and though this has made family and friends uncomfortable, I instinctively knew it was necessary for me to go within and figure out why I am here, and where I am headed.
Many days I would wonder why I was feeling so blank about the future. I wasn’t unhappy or feeling unfulfilled – I just didn’t have any grand aspirations or ambitions. And then I started looking at the little girl in the picture. Really looking. Really remembering. I could feel her essence and I started to recall that even back then I was shy and introverted, felt things with intensity, and loved to create. I was deeply spiritual as a child, although my own family probably wasn’t even aware of this. I don’t ever recall having a strong desire for fame or fortune.
I’ve come out of my shell quite a bit, but just like my child-self, who loved to make tents and hide out, I am most happy when alone and creating, or in the company of just a few people that I love.
Here’s the conundrum. I don’t believe we come here just to evolve and grow on our own. I fully believe that we must open our hearts and share our gifts with others. And that’s where you come in. In a million years I wouldn’t have thought that anyone would care to read something I’d written or be touched by art that I’d created. And yet, you, the readers of this newsletter/and or blog do just that – over and over again. The comments you leave and the letters you write to me are gifts that touch me deeply. You open my heart.
I really sat down today just to say thank you, but somehow the article was highjacked by my second Saturn return musings. And then it all started to make sense to me and I saw the connection. No matter who or what you believe in, whether you celebrate a religious holiday or not, our relationship to each other is priceless. This is a time when we seem focused on giving and receiving, albeit often on a more material level, and I realized just how precious the giving/receiving exchange that goes on here truly is. The often maligned Internet allows me to work in my own quiet space and yet reach out to others across oceans and continents.
My future is far from crystal-clear, but I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me share a little bit of myself with you here.
Much love,
Barbara
